Things People Say, Grief Edition

Many of us have endured the difficult task of euthanizing a pet, but no one has more experience with it than the vet. Is it hard for us? Sure, but nowhere near as grueling as it is for you. Like other unwanted challenges in life, every person facing this event feels suddenly alone, isolated, like the process is a brand-new, freshly invented torture that no one else could ever understand. Yet, somehow, despite our isolation on this unfamiliar ground, the same exactphraseskeep circling relentlessly back to haunt the scene. By sharing some of these words, I hope that you will recognize and shoo them away if they try to come for you.

“I don’t know, she seems a little better today…” This happens to everyone. Every pet is a little nervous about visiting the vet, because the clinic people are not family, and it can be hard to understand what’s going on there. The adrenaline bump that comes from anxiety is often misinterpreted as increased energy, even vigor. Don’t be fooled. Furthermore, every sick and aging pet has better and worse days, often mixed together in a random way. If you wait until your decision is made obvious by a lengthy, uninterrupted string of bad days, you will likely look back and realize you waited too long.

“I feel terrible about this…” Most often a way of expressing guilt. Yes, in some part of our minds, we believe we have the ability to protect her from everything. Cars, heartworms, and neighborhood bullies might fall under that category, but not the conclusion of her time on this earth. That was coming with or without our permission. Do you think you have some superhuman power to stave it off forever? Is the existence of death somehow your fault? Or optional?

“I’m so sorry…” Guilt again. For allowing old age to come for her? For daring to control the circumstances of her exit, so that she is surrounded by her loved ones, with their gentle hands and soothing words, wrapped in her favorite blanket, suffering only the precise set of temporary discomforts (nuisances, even) that humans suffer prior to a minor surgery?

“Crying over a dog...I feel like an idiot.” Well, I don’t think you’re an idiot. I spend my days and nights, my blood, sweat and tears, trying to help them live longer. If you are an idiot crying for a while over your dog, then I am a much greater idiot for spending my entire career onthem.

Make no mistake—euthanizing a beloved pet feels bad, because saying goodbye to a friend is always painful, regardless of the circumstances. Don’t clumsily ascribe that pain to guilt, failure, betrayal of a friend, or poor judgment. Those things aren’t real.

We get it. We really do. In fact, when it’s time for us to euthanize our own pets, we transform into precisely the same confused and tortured person thatour client was yesterday. I insist that you be kinder to yourself.

And when my turn comes again, I will try to do the same.

Dr. M.S. Regan