Overheard at the Dog Park

Sandy: Snuffles! How’ve you been, buddy? Here, let me check out your butt. Everything good at home?

Snuffles: Yeah, I’ve been keeping pretty busy. Your butt seems fine, too—wait, wait—no… it’s fine. Got a new hobby. I read this thing about training techniques, so I’ve been trying to teach the family some fun new tricks.

Sandy: Like...?

Snuffles: Well, I started really basic and taught them to give me a treat every time they called my name. The quicker I am getting there, the happier they are handing it over. I worked my way up from there, and now I can get a little something for practically anything I do.

Sandy: Oh, yeah, I did some of that. I trained my people to wrestle with me whenever I want—all I have to do is tackle them. I taught like twenty people to laugh awkwardly and rub my ears every time I stick my nose in their crotch. It was barely any effort at all.

Snuffles: Wellll… I love a good wrestling match, but it seems like dogs are way better at that than people. Tell you what, I can really rake in the treats when I sit and stay while they’re across the room. I’ve got them trained to say “stay” whenever they’re ready to play that one. All I have to do is wait! The longer I wait, the more treats I can get them to give.

Sandy: Man, that sounds like a lot of work for a bite to eat. I’ve got mine trained to put down food whenever I throw the bowl across the kitchen floor. Works every time. And the louder I get, the quicker they come. They’re pretty smart, for humans. I’ve got them trained to pet me whenever I block the TV, and they let me outside in a flash whenever I trample someone. Oooh, the barking game is fun...have you taught them that one?

Snuffles: Hmm...is that the one where you bark and bark like you don’t even need to pause for air, and they yell back your name every thirty seconds? I guess I never understood why people like that one.

Sandy: It’s a blast, that’s why! If you do it right, your people get louder and louder until the whole neighborhood can hear. Then, when they scream a swear word and come running out the door, you can play a few minutes of chase before going inside.

Snuffles: ...Oh, I taught them this really fun one—they give me pets and a treat for bringing a specific toy. It was kind of a slow process, but really nice spending the time together. I just had to be patient while they figured out the names for the different toys.

Sandy: That might be too complicated for my people. Although Ernesto is teaching them to wake up five or ten minutes earlier every week, and they’re latching onto that one pretty well.

Snuffles: Ernesto… still around?

Sandy: He’s a cat. He’s going to live forever.

Snuffles: Hey, isn’t that your people calling “time-to-go”?

Sandy: Ah, yes, best part of my trip. Later, buddy. I WILL NEVER GO HOME, I’D RATHER SQUASH THIS WHIPPET RIGHT NOW! I HOPE I DIDN’T JUST BREAK HIS LEG! RUN, PEOPLE, RUN!!