A year or two ago, I hijacked this column to educate you on how I want my litter box maintained. That seems to have worked well enough, but you’ve been exhibiting some irritating behaviors that need to be addressed. Remember when I said not to change my brand and type of litter without warning? I suppose I should have said not to change anything in the house without my permission. I mean, I think it’s obvious that I will not tolerate unsolicited modifications, but let’s go over this item by item.

Don’t move my litter box more than two inches. You may add an extra box, but do not expect me to use it. As long as it stays perfectly clean, I will reevaluate my position on the new box in 7-14 days. Do not move the furniture around. That is an unsolicited modification. I would consider peeing on something that was not arranged in the orientation of my liking.

Do not change my food or my feeding schedule. I wish to eat at 4am each day, but as I understand it, food cannot be delivered until 8:11am. If food is ever delivered prior to 8:11, I will likely accept and consume it. Between 4 o’clock and my actual meal time, I will be staring intently at your face from a distance of 7 inches. If I begin to fear for your safety, I will check for signs of life by stepping on your throat. Please note that the stunt you pulled last fall was not amusing. “Changing the clocks” is not a real thing. Don’t ever try that again.

Don’t touch me there. I am never going to change my mind. You may touch me here and here.

I eat a particular variety of food. God help you if the company changes its shape or flavor profile. I have been eating only a certain texture of food since dirt was invented. I am not going to accept anything softer, or crunchier, regardless of what Dr. Know-It-All has in mind. You may put down a fresh bowl of the unacceptable food at every meal time. Do not expect me to acknowledge its presence, except perhaps by trying to bury it. I may or may not reexamine my stance over the next 14-28 days.

And speaking of Doc… your attempt at giving me medicine was hilariously inept, yet simultaneously infuriating. Understand that more than three parts per billion of foreign material mixed in my food will be detected with ease by my superior sniffing equipment, and that meal will be rejected. I will furthermore refuse two subsequent (uncontaminated) meals for each infraction, so my advice is not to try this more than once. Dr. Know-It-All has some witty suggestions for getting pharmaceuticals into me, but… without her help, you are not a worthy opponent.

Perhaps I will share more at another time. There is nothing happening outside this window, but one time a bird flew across there. I need to monitor it for further activity. You may see yourself out.

Dr. M.S. Regan